1. You stand in “line-ups” at the movie, not lines.
2. You’re not offended by the term, “Homo Milk”.
3. You understand the sentence, “Could you please pass me a serviette? I just spilled my poutine.”
(Poutine: Fries, shredded Cheese, & Gravy)
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.(Unemployment)
7. You know that a mickey and two-fours mean “Party at the camp, eh?” (Two-four: Case of 24 beer)
8. You can drink legally while still a ‘teen.
9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10. You don’t know or care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
12. You’re not sure if the leader of your nation has ever had sex and you don’t want to know if he has!
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs. (We really do!)
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.(Square-head screwdriver)
17. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. (Canadian Tire Automotive store bonus coupons)
18. You know that Thrills are something to chew and “taste like soap”.
19. You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that”. (Ceremonial attire only)
20. You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly”.
21. You know that the Friendly Giant isn’t a vegetable product line. (Children’s TV host)
22. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group. (Children’s TV puppets, ‘Mr. Dressup’)
23. You participated in “Participaction”.(’Get Active’ movement)
24. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, “What’s good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me”.
25. You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin yet.
(’Loonie’ - $1 coin; ‘Twonie’ - $2 coin)
26. Unlike any international assasin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don’t possess a Canadian passport.
27. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color. (Humour)
28. You know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize”, and “no sugar added”, thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging. (’Gratis’, ‘Prix’, ‘Sans Sucre’)
29. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
30. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
31. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram’s “Skin-a-ma-rink-a-dink-a-dink” opus.
32. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
33. You were mad when “The Beachcombers” were taken off the air.
34. You know what a toque is. (Knitted hat)
35. You have some memento of Bob and Doug.(’Second City’ TV show - the MacKenzie brothers)
36. You know Toronto is not a province.
37. You never miss “Coaches Corner”.(With Don Cherry)
38. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
39. You smile when people discover that calling you a ‘Canuck’ isn’t an insult.

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:

“Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he’s all chippy and everything, calling me a “shit disturber” and what not. What could I say, except, “Sorry, EH!”

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they’re one of us. If, however, they stare at you with blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Report them to the authorities at once. CSIS or the Mounties, it’s your choice.

The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms. In order, they are:

pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.
mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with “hockey stick,” another kind of Canadian Club.
beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.
skidoo: Self propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.
muskeg: Boggy swampland.
duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn’t exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada’s french and english.
deke: Used as a verb, it means “to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection.” As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: “Whadda deke!” Meaning, “My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile.”
chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi gerundial form of “did sneak.” (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of “impaired” being “pissed to the gills”).
S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
Stanfields: Men’s underwear, especially Grandpa style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. And back!
toque: Canada’s official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from “chip on one’s shoulder.” (See Western Canada)
shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, “shit disturber” is a distinctly Canadian term.

(Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)

Sorry, eh Canadian