An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink
this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d
gone deaf.”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’
to tell ya”.

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.” There was an accident
down at the Guinness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, Brenda… no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father.”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?

” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun…’

AND THE BEST FOR LAST…. A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest
coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin; there’s no paper