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3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for
that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
–Drew Carey

4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like
and just give her a house.
–Rod Stewart

5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it…at the end of
the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
–Jeff Foxworthy

6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown (presumed deceased)

7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even
considering if there is a man on base.
–Dave Barry

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
–Marilyn Pittman

9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should
give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
–Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach
you how to swim.
–Paula Poundstone

11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”
–Lynda Montgomery

13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold
enough. Let’s go west.”
–Richard Jeni

14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead.
–Johnny Carson

15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.
–Paul Rodriguez

16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that’s the law.
–Jerry Seinfeld

17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you
have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What
is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
–Warren Hutcherson

18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
–Oscar Wilde

19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
–Mark Twain

20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Afghanistan!
–A Whitney Brown

21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s
genitals through his wallet.
–Robin Williams

22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.
–Roseanne

23) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
– Billy Crystal

24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
–Dave Barry

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